MASH
NOTES TO
JAN
I can't have Big Daddy Reno for my very own, but I
can let her know how I feel. Perhaps my one-sided epistolary romance
will one day bear fruit.
Um, or more likely, not. But
NO MATTER WHAT, each one of these letters is sealed with a big, fat,
wet kiss!
Dear Jan,
I saw you on CNN today-it was so hot how your dress matched your eyes.
Was that bulge in your skirt a pair of boxers, or did you know I was watching?
XOXOXOXO,
Dolores
Dear Jan,
Had another erotic dream about you last night. Will we ever be able to
act it out when I'm conscious? The new leather harness and "Mr. Thurmond"
are waiting for your hips of justice, my love!
Hornily yours,
Dolores
Dear Jan,
Saw the Fox News interview last night, and
got so wet I slid off the couch! I'm still all a-tingle, and have taped
it so I can re-play it whenever I want that "special feeling"
only you can provide, baby!
Sticky with desire,
Dolores
Dear Jan,
Watched the tape again and again and again last night. Wore out both the
tape and my Hitachi Magic Wand. Am reaching the end of my credit line
at Toys In Babeland, and suspect I may be irrevocably dehydrated. Please
advise.
Concerned,
Dolores
Dear Janny-Poo,
Have chugged some Gatorade, and am feeling somewhat restored. What lengths
you drive me to, you studly seductress! Have sworn off CNN, at least until
my legs stop shaking.
Woozily yours,
Dolores
Jan-Jan,
As if I could swear off CNN! You know me better that! In my latest 68-hour
CNN marathon, I discovered that you are considering a bid for Governor
of Florida-- heart be still!!! Oh a campaign will be so hard on you my
love, you'll need someone to do your filing, paste up campaign posters,
massage your neck, polish your boots, someone who's willing to work DIRECTLY
UNDER YOU. I suspect that I am just such a one.
Obediently yours,
D.
Do you have something you'd like to say to Generalissimo
Reno? Something sordid,something tender, something naughty?
TOUGH
SHIT BITCH, SHE'S MINE!
But if you must speak to Janet
anyhow, mail me your letters
and I'll publish 'em!
Maybe.
If you're not cuter than me.
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